Real-life couples strategies that my partner and I can use to improve our relationship.

We are excited to share strategies with you, but we can’t talk about partnership without first looking at some universal truths that we all experience. 

We are really bad at relationships.

Most of us think we should be good at relationships with others by default. The truth is that there are so many real and valid reasons why we are not just automatically good at relationships with others. We learn our relationship patterns both through mirroring our parents and other significant adults in our lives and also through bonding and interactions with our caregivers, both positive and negative. Through attachment theory, we know that our earliest relationships and bonds deeply affect the way we attach to our partners as adults. We are carrying decades worth of subjective “stuff” into our relationships without doing the work of examining it and healing from it, then we wonder why things are going wrong. 

We need to tackle our own past, feelings, and biases, as well.

We bring all of our perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and ways of being into our relationships with each other. We know, from research, that relationships benefit from personal responsibility, healthy insight, and good communication, however, that is work that starts at the individual level.  For most couples, individual therapy is also needed to work on our “stuff”, regardless of whether or not we are in couples therapy. 

We don’t actually know as much about our partners as we think we do.

We also often engage with our partners believing that we have an idea of how the other person in our relationship feels or thinks. Nothing could be further from the truth. Even identical twins, who live their lives with the same parents, often in the same bedroom, with the same schooling, and same friends, are completely and utterly different. Our experience of the world is completely unique, and likely you will never be able to completely understand or anticipate another human’s total experience. However, the good news is that you don’t need to. 

(Click here to book a free 15 minute consultation call for relationship therapy in Atlanta or Virtual across Georgia)

Let’s talk about what you can do.

It can be helpful to use some skills and strategies that will help you “empathize with”, “have compassion for”, “hold space for”, and “move into loving action with” another person. 

SKILLS OR STRATEGIES THAT WILL  HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUCCEED

Most of these strategies are pulled from the Gottman Method. 

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Most of our issues within relationships arise from mismatching, misunderstood, or trauma-filled communication. It’s important to remember that each person in a couple is bridging their own communication style to the relationship that’s based on how they grew up, and their neuro-network. So while one person may have a more direct style of communication, another may find that same direction off-putting or threatening, and prefer a safer or slower style of communication. 

Let’s go over some strategies that can be used to improve VERBAL communication in relationships.

1. Regular Check-ins: arrange time to talk with your partner about your life, fears, and to relay what’s happening in each other’s lives. Schedule a day and time of the week to do a check in. Check ins can be daily or weekly. Understanding what’s going on in the life of your partner leads to more empathy, clarity, and enhances and builds a friendship. Don’t try to solve their problems during this time. Just listen.

2. Active Listening: use active listening to give your partner your full attention. Don’t interrupt them or try to talk over them. Don’t think of other things during the conversation. Just listen, actively, attentively, to your partner while they are speaking. This signals to your partner that you care about them and what they are saying, and engages the part of their brain that feels close to you. 

3. Reflect Back: After your partner is done speaking, summarize and reflect back what you heard, and ask if you got it right. If you didn’t, ask if they will explain it again. Use active listening to hear the part they are correcting, then reflect back again. This deeply increases both empathy for your partner and their experience, as well as understanding. Often we think we know what the other person is saying, but we will miss the important piece. This allows our partner to emphasize the part that needs to be heard, and allows us to empathize with our partner and understand their true experience as best we can, allowing for connection and closeness to grow.

(Ready to book your couples session? Book with Steven or Steph.)

Next, let’s look at some strategies to improve EMOTIONAL communication in relationships.

1. Time-out Strategy: If you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or emotionally flooded, take some time to self-regulate before speaking. This allows you to speak from your pre-frontal cortex vs your amygdala, and allows your parasympathetic nervous system to come online and calm you down enough to bring you back into logical thought. When you’re flooded, you can say things you don’t truly think or mean. It’s best to let the emotions pass before speaking. 

2. Turning Toward: Respond to your partners bids for positive connection, and respond positively. Choose your partner; choose to engage with your partner. Turn toward your partner, rather than away. Doing just this lets them know they are important to you, and that you are actively trying to work on the relationship. 

3. Emotional Validation: Validate your partner. Acknowledge their feelings first, before disagreeing with them. This helps create emotional closeness and allows your partner to become more open to hearing the ways in which you aren’t sharing their experience. 

If you’re struggling with having conversations at all, here are some strategies that will help you have better conversations with your partner.

1. Low Stress Conversations: Make sure that the majority of your conversations are promoting partnership and aren’t overly stressful. Try to remember that your partner is on your team. Don’t bring in too much outside stress to the relationship if you can avoid it. Keep your conversations low stress. Talk about things that matter, but try to avoid just dumping stressful topics into conversations with your partner. This allows them to relax and want to have a conversation with you vs. bracing themselves when you bring something up.

2. Ask Open Ended Questions: Don’t assume you know what your partner is trying to say. Ask open-ended questions that help you understand your partner more deeply. Allow your partner to clarify and lead the conversation in the direction they want to go. This invites fuller conversations, deeper meanings, and allows you to understand your partner in new ways. Your goal is to understand, not assume.

3. Take Responsibility: Use “I” statements when sharing how you feel. Avoid saying “you make me” or other versions of this. Take responsibility for your feelings. It’s brave to take responsibility and it is the right thing to do. This will allow your partner to feel less defensive, or like they are being attacked, inviting closeness and understanding.

(To begin reconnecting with your partner through therapy, visit our couples page.)

Remember, humans are hardwired for connection. The pursuit of relationships will always be part of the human experience. It’s up to us whether those relationships are healthy, dynamic, connected, responsible, consensual, and lasting.

A note from the owner, couples therapist Steven Ward, on his approach to relationship therapy: 

"I think understanding how each couple communicates differently is important. There are patterns and concepts we can teach, but cultural differences, family of origins, relationships that were modeled all shift how we communicate effectively. Also challenges arise because we speak different “languages”, AND people change and evolve and our communication/needs change over time. I'm a big fan of structuring communication by first understanding what you are actually feeling/thinking and to slow down and use non violent communication not only as a way to express yourself but as a way to understand yourself. So the process should look like this: observation–> body feeling–> feeling–> thoughts–>requests. 

I'd also add like when we are trying to communicate we are often trying to persuade. We want others and most importantly our partners to see our view, and feel understood. That doesn't have to mean 'agreement' but there's a lot of power in understanding and empathy. Rules are simple, putting them into action is extremely difficult and takes lots of practice."

To book a session with one of our couples therapists, or to begin working on what belongs to you with individual therapy, visit our home page to book a discovery call here.